So, about five months ago a very scary and sad thing happened in my family. I remember it as clear as yesterday. It devastated me and I don't really like thinking about it, but her it goes.
My uncle was living in Indiana when it happened. I had just gotten home from school when my mom called me. I answered and she told me that my uncle was dying. I held my tears back while I was on the phone, but I couldn't once her voice was gone.
How could this be happening? I had just talked to him the week before. Now he was laying in a hospital bed on life support with no family there with him. Leaving me with no clue if he was going to live or die. I wanted to be there with him, but there was no way for me to get there.
There was nothing we could do. Just pray and hope he would pull through this. My mom started making phone calls and started making plans for a funeral. Phone calls from doctors came everyday. They told us not to give up yet and he would come out of the coma. I hadn't lost hope but my mom and aunt had.
He remained on life support because the only person that could take him off of it was my grandpa and he had not had any contact with the doctors at all. I knew he didn't want to live like that, but I didn't want to loose him.
Weeks went by and it seemed like forever. He finally came out of it. I was so happy. Of course he wasn't all the way back to normal yet. I mean he had just had two massive heart attacks that put him into a coma. But he was alive and that's all that mattered to me then.
My uncle is now back in Virginia and I see him a lot. He's on medication, but I think he's going to be OK. I had never been so scared and sad in my entire life and I never want to go through that again.
3 comments:
Amber,
I would work on just two things.
1) In the beginning, it's not totally clear what emotion you're going for. Despair, frustration? Try to use more descriptive words to help us out.
2)Your conclusion is good in that you resolved it, but I think it could be even better with a little more emotion in it, you know? It falls a little flat compared to the rest.
Great job, I love the way you describe what happened while he was in the coma. Hope he's OK now!
--Amanda
I can really feel your emotions. I'm really glad your uncle got through it!! some minor spelling stuff, and i wouldn't put a space inbetween paragraphs.
I would do more with the third paragraph. Why was he dying? is it clear at this point? are u trying to confuse the reader? (sorry if thats not what ur trying to do?)
I would also continue to restate ur feelings at each point in the story. constantly ask yourself how u felt at this particular point in his sickness/recovery.
otherwise, pretty good!!
Very good job of showing your emotions at the end. The begining could use a little tuching up as far as emotions.
It might also be helpful to say whats wrong with your uncle in the second paragraph.
Obviusly about fear and saddness, it could be useful to relay or restate your emotions many times.
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